February is the month of our Hallmark holiday, the day of romance: Valentine's Day. While I strongly advise against using modern romance novels to mold your expectations for romance, love, and relationships, there are some pieces of classic fiction that do provide some wisdom, insight, and godly examples. Particularly, my favorite book, Little Women, has provided one of my personal favorite literary couples. No, it's not Jo and Laurie or Amy and Laurie. There is such an overlooked love story in Meg March and John Brooke. To my dismay, the movie adaptations always seem to put these two in the background and/or cut out parts of the most pivotal aspect of their love story: sanctification.
Sanctification is the ongoing process of Christians being set apart from the world and made holy. Essentially, it is "the effect of obedience to the Word of God in one’s life," the "same as growing in the Lord (2 Peter 3:18) or spiritual maturity" (GotQuestions). It is God's will for the life of every believer (1 Thessalonians 4:3). This is something God works in us as He makes us Christ like (Philippians 1:6). Nevertheless, "sanctification is to be pursued by the believer earnestly (1 Peter 1:15; Hebrews 12:14) and is effected by the application of the Word (John 17:17)" (Got Questions). "Prior to salvation, our behavior bore witness to our standing in the world in separation from God, but now our behavior should bear witness to our standing before God in separation from the world. Little by little, every day, 'those who are being sanctified' (Hebrews 10:14) are becoming more like Christ" (GotQuestions). For more on the topic of sanctification, I recommend J.C. Ryle's book Holiness.
Throughout Scripture, we read that the Lord allows us to endure trials as a means of sanctification. James 1:2-4 says: "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." Further, 1 Peter 4:12 states: "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you."
Relationships, particularly marriage, are a great source of sanctification. Paul Washer calls marriage the "greatest instrument of sanctification." The full quote states:
"How would you ever learn unconditional love if you were married to someone who met all the conditions? How would you ever learn mercy, patience, long-suffering, heartfelt compassion if you were married to someone who never failed you, who was never difficult with you, who never sinned against you, who was never slow to acknowledge their sin or ask for forgiveness? How would you ever learn grace to pour out your favor on someone who did not deserve it if you were married to someone who was always deserving of all good things? The main purpose of marriage is that, through your marriage, you become conformed to the image of Jesus Christ. Marriage, I believe, is the greatest instrument of sanctification."
Also, J.C. Ryle has a similar quote: "Happy are they, who in the matter of marriage observe three rules. The first is to marry only in the Lord, and after prayer for God's approval and blessing. The second is not to expect too much from their partners, and to remember that marriage is, after all, the union of two sinners, and not of two angels. The third rule is to strive first and foremost for one another's sanctification. The more holy married people are, the happier they are."
There is much debate over how much choice or free will we have over choosing whom we marry. Scripture reveals countless times (Proverbs 19:21, 16:9, Job 42:2, Isaiah 46:10, Ephesians 1:11, Psalm 103:19, 115:3, Lamentations 3:37, and many more) that God is sovereign, meaning He is in control of everything in this universe, down to the tiniest atom. If God is in control of both the big and small things, then doesn't that include whom we marry? Of course, I am not saying that God would send a Christian a spouse that bears bad fruit and lives contrary to His Word. We must have discernment in still obeying the guidelines God provides in His Word (2 Corinthians 6:14). Nevertheless, God is going to give you the spouse you need for your sanctification. There is a great short clip on this from Paul Washer, which I will link here.
If you have not read or watched the movie adaptation of Little Women, each one of the March sisters has her own "fatal flaw" to overcome. Meg March's flaw is that she's a bit vain and longs for material riches, which at one point, even leads her to envy. However, Meg does not marry a wealthy man. Instead, God gives her poor, hard-working John Brooke. John is described as a "quiet, honest, and sensible man with a kind heart. ... He was a simple person and didn't mind the lack of luxury in his life" (Little Women Wiki). When John marries Meg, he inwardly fears that she would resent being a poor man's wife, so he often denies himself many things for Meg's sake. His strengths spoke to her weaknesses.
Marriage does not automatically sanctify Meg of her vain ways. Rather, it takes the trials that come with "domestic experiences" (the title of the chapter in which this example is from). In their marriage, John always trusted Meg with their money, and she never abused that trust until she starts spending time with her rich friend, leading her to envy her friend's luxuries and wealth. When she spends the money needed to get John a new winter coat on extravagantly priced (equivalent to the cost of a modern wedding dress) dress material, he controls and withholds the anger he feels. This makes already guilt-ridden Meg feel worse, so she tries to justify her actions by telling John that she tries her best to be content but is tired of being poor. Instead of scolding her, trying to hide the hurt in his voice, John assures Meg that he tries his best. John's quiet upsetment stings her more. Immediately, Meg holds him close and instantly repents for her words. Louisa May Alcott writes: "He was very kind, forgave her readily, and did not utter one reproach; but Meg knew that she had done and said a thing which would not be forgotten soon, although he might never allude to it again. She had promised to love him for better or for worse; and then she, his wife, had reproached him with his poverty, after spending his earnings recklessly."
Meg felt absolutely remorseful for a week, especially since John moved on as if nothing happened and canceled the order for his winter coat without complaint. When the couple finally had a long talk, "Meg learned to love her husband better for his poverty, because it seemed to have made a man of him--giving him the strength and courage to fight his own way--and taught him a tender patience with which to bear and comfort the natural longings and failures of those he loved." To right her wrong, Meg sells the dress material and buys John his winter coat.
Elisabeth Elliot points out that the only type of person you can marry is a sinner, for we all are sinners, and that you're not going to love every single thing about your spouse. It's false and unfair to expect your spouse to live up to all your expectations, for we all fall short and no person is perfect. What matters most is that you marry a spouse who seeks God first, for that will make the difference in their character (the fruits they bear) as they are growing and abiding in Christ (John 15:4-8). Meg may not have liked that John was poor, but it made him the godly, hardworking man and husband he was, and led to the sanctification in her own life.
Conflict comes with a negative stigma as something to be completely avoided and as the downfall of a marriage or ending of a dating relationship. This could very much be the case in unhealthy, incompatible relationships. However, if done in a godly way (following God's principles), the valleys can lead to growth. Having the hard conversations can lead to closer intimacy. It would be silly to think that any relationship between sinners who inevitably aren't going to agree on everything will escape conflict or disagreement in the course of their relationship. We all make mistakes and can miscommunicate or misunderstand.
The example of Meg and John shows us that what matters most is how a couple treats each other during conflict. John could have lost his anger with Meg when she misspent the money and poked at him being poor when he works hard for their family. Instead, he chose to control that anger and to show her patience and grace. Take a moment to reflect how you would have handled the situation if you were in John's place. John was just to be angry with Meg for breaking his trust and mishandling the money. How would you have handled that anger? As much as we would like to think we would have provided the gentle, patient response John exhibits, I'm sure many of us would have fallen to our flesh in some way.
When we are Christlike in our response, it progresses our sanctification. Plus, in conflict, this response will likely lead the other Christian spouse to repent and to feel the sting of their own actions a bit more than fits of anger ever could. We saw this in Meg's immediate repentance for what she said, taking action to correct her wrongdoing. Plus, how helpful is it to respond to an offense by acting in the flesh (Galatians 5:19-21)? Proverbs 15:1 supports this: "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Further, Ephesians 4:31-32 says: "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." If you are the one who is in the wrong or if you fall to acting in the flesh, then the best things to do is quickly repent and ask for forgiveness. At one point or another, we will take on both roles of the repentant and the grace-giver. How can we expect someone to give us what we cannot or are unwilling to give them ourselves?
The goal of conflict of any kind should be reconciliation and returned fellowship in the relationship, remembering to be "slow to anger" and to "let all that you do be done in love" (1 Corinthians 16:14, Proverbs 14:29, 29:11, 15:18, James 1:19, Ecclesiastes 7:9, Colossians 3:8). It takes a lot of repentance and graciousness. Perhaps, this is partially why the marriage relationship reflects that between Christ and the Church (this is a good article on this topic). I can imagine that once a dispute is over, most couples end up not dwelling on the conflict's subject matter. However, what will be remembered is how the conflict was handled, and if mistakes were made, how were they handled. The problem is not your spouse, but the real problem is what you are working through or disagreeing on. Can we not choose to still see the best in each other during conflict or disagreement? Out of learning to admit when you're wrong, to provide grace when needed, and to act with patience and forbearance comes the fruits of sanctification.
For more on how to handle conflict in a marriage, I recommend the podcast Bright Hearth's episode entitled "Fighting like Christians" (linked here), and I of course, recommend to consult Scripture for guidance and navigation. Here are a few examples of Scripture that may be helpful: 1 Peter 3:7, James 1:20, Ephesians 5:22-33, Galatians 5:22-23, 1 Corinthians 13:1-13, Proverbs 15:1, 21:19, 12:4, Mark 10:9, Colossians 3:19. The principles God has laid out for us in His Word don't just disappear during conflict or because someone has committed a wrongdoing against you. If we believe that "all Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work" (2 Tim. 3:16-17), then that must apply to all areas of our life and not when we pick and choose.
May we remember that the hard conversations and trials are for our good. God turns and uses the bad for good (Genesis 50:20). Many Christians quote Romans 8:28, which states, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." We often stop here without reading in the next verse what this "good" exactly means. Verse 29 says, "For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers." So what is the "good" here? Our sanctification. We can trust that in the midst of all things, God is working them to make us more Christ-like.
By: Bible and Hot Cocoa (IG & TikTok: @bibleandhotcocoa)
Jules is the founder of Bible and Hot Cocoa. She is a law student with a passion for standing up for truth. In any free time, she loves to read, study theology, write, and draw or paint. Jules's favorite book of the Bible would have to be a tie among John, Psalms, Philippians, Ephesians, and Romans (as of now), and her favorite figure besides Jesus is either John, David, or Paul.
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