The Mark of a Masculine Man

I recently posted a question box on Instagram to do a relationship Q&A (sorry to those who asked questions; I will repost the question box soon and actually answer them). One of the questions that stuck out to me asked what masculine qualities my boyfriend has that the asker should look for in a man. I thought I would take the time to answer this question through blog post since there are traits that my boyfriend, J, has that I think are what every woman should look for in a man.

1. He takes initiative and leads

From the start, J has pursued me and has pursued me well. I feel cherished by him and never doubt how he feels about me because he always shows me how he feels. He was the one who asked for my number and sent the first hello (we were set up by our mutual friend). Even in the first message, he already had asked me on a coffee date to get to know each other. Since then, he has planned most of our dates (except for when I want to surprise him with something nice), always taking into consideration what I would like to do. Yesterday, he surprised me and picked me up for ice cream because he must have remembered that I had said I was in the mood for it. I can't even tell you how nice it is not to have to sit and plan out an entire date, deciding and coordinating everything.

J is a great decision maker. He takes the time to think through his options, using God's Word as his guide in all things (Psalm 119:105). Not only is J a great leader in the practicalities but also spiritually. He is spiritually mature and always encourages me in my walk with God, and He always leads us in prayer and prays for me. He is even quick to pray in public, such as praying for our food when we go out to eat. Also, when I have a question about a Scripture interpretation, we talk through it together by looking at the full context of Scripture.

2. He protects

J is my safe haven. I feel safe with him physically and emotionally. Whenever I'm with him, I feel as if I can just "turn my brain off." It's so nice to not have to worry because I know that J has everything handled and wouldn't ever let anything happen to me. For example, this past year, when we went to see the fireworks, when we were approaching his car, there was a car door left open by the next car, blocking my entry into the passenger seat. There was a bunch of people surrounding the car next to us, and you just never know how someone will respond in a dimly lit parking lot. I gave J a glance, but he already knew and was taking care of it. He went ahead of me, putting himself in between the people and me and asked if he could shut the door to let me into the car. The people thankfully were nice, but he still positioned himself in a way to protect me as I got into the car. J also walks me to my door, and will talk to me on the phone while I walk my dog at night.

Emotionally, I feel as though I can tell J just about anything. I've been my most complete self with him, showing him the weirdest, goofiest, and most vulnerable parts of myself that only my closest family members have seen. This amount of vulnerability did not just happen the first time we met, but was built as our relationship grew. Nevertheless, it did not take me long to recognize the kindred spirit I have in J. He not only understands but celebrates my quirks and sense of humor.

Also, whenever I am with him, I feel as though I can just breathe and release any breath I was holding. Although no relationship is without occasional conflict, overall, how you know that you're in a healthy relationship is that you will find yourself at peace. If you struggle with relationship-related anxiety, this may take a bit of time, but the difference is that the anxiety is rooted in "what ifs," instead of what actually is present.

3. He shows up

Walking the straight and narrow as a Christian is not an easy task, especially living in our fallen world. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (KJV) says: "Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Further, Galatians 6:2 states: "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ."

I am so thankful that I get to walk through life with J because he is someone who shows up in the good times and the trials. No matter what is going on in his own life or how busy he may be, he still takes the time daily to check in on me and to see how my day was/is going, especially if I'm going through something. When I was studying for the bar exam, I was also working part time and going through some health issues. Every day without fail, J checked in with me to see how I was feeling and to encourage me that even if I didn't pass the bar exam the first time, which he knew I would, that it wouldn't make me any less. The weekend before the test, we didn't go on a date to give me some last minute studying, and he still drove an hour just to give me a hug and some encouragement and prayer. It's those little things that mean the most, and it's nice to have the strength of a man to help bear my burdens, which is a different type of feeling than the appreciation I have for my family, who are also always there. What a true blessing it is to find someone whom you can turn to in life's hardest moments, in your mistakes, in your fear, and in your times of joy and laughter.

4. He is a resourceful Provider

When we think of "Provider" in the sense of dating or courting, we typically think of a man who pays for meals and buys flowers. From the start, J has always done that. However, J is a provider in our relationship in a deeper sense in that he always makes sure that I'm taken care of and that my needs are met, especially since I live in my own place now. Yes, my own family still does the same, which I also appreciate, yet to me, this trait is an especially important one when looking for a husband. I'm very thankful for the meals J pays for, and I'm also extra thankful for the little things because it shows his character and his careful attention to those minute details. For example, J will always surprise me with items he realizes that I need or that I mentioned in passing about, such as an all-natural deodorant that actually works and electrolytes for when my blood pressure gets low. Also, when I didn't have a car, every single date (and still often now), J would drive an hour to pick me up, and sometimes, we would drive an hour back to near where he lived. Then, he would drive me back home and make sure I was home safely.

I added in the word "resourceful" because it's important to marry a man who can do things. J is a resourceful man, a man who is a good steward with his health, family, and belongings (Luke 16:10). There are certain tasks men traditionally should do. He can change the oil in a car and change a tire. Although women can do yardwork, it is nice to have a man who can do the heavy lifting and the more tedious tasks. Whenever he comes over for dinner or for a quick visit, J is always looking for ways to help out and to fix things.

When looking for a provider, it is important to see if he has a good work ethic. He does not need to be a perfect worker but generally a hard worker. At the core should be the motivation and attitude of wanting to provide for a family and to honor the Lord. 1 Corinthians 10:31 states: "Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God." Further, Colossians 3:17 says: "And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him." J is finishing up a graduate level degree, and toward the beginning, when we were talking about what specific area he would want to go into, he texted me: "I appreciate your encouraging words. However, given the times, I am prepared to scratch out a meager living if the Lord wills. It might not be successful in the eyes of the world!" I saved this text because I thought it summed up who J is quite nicely.

5. He is family-oriented

Look for a man who takes being a father and husband seriously, viewing family as second most important after God. Yes, even in your twenties, there are men who exist like this. They are going to also be the ones who want a woman who takes becoming a wife and mother seriously. On our first date, J talked about wanting as many children as the Lord wants to provide him and about what a great legacy it would be to be surrounded by children and grandchildren (Psalm 127:3-5). He also discussed wanting to do family worship, which was the first time I had ever heard an unmarried man talk about that. Yes, I was immediately quite smitten, especially with the genuineness that his statements exuded.

Evidence of a family-oriented man is how he treats and talks about his family and your family. J honors his parents (Exodus 20:12). He speaks respectfully about them, visits them often, and helps them where needed. My parents and sisters love J, for whenever he is around, he fits right in with our crew. He is sweet to my sisters, and will take the time to talk to them and play board games with them. It's so fun when they all team up against me! :) He is respectful to my parents and will even joke around with them too. J has never said anything disrespectful about my family. He is even careful with my sister's and mom's allergies. Even my dog loves J!

6. He is chivalrous

Chivalry is not dead. Feminism and hook up culture have definitely harmed chivalry, but there are still men who are gentleman. In today's dating culture, many women take on more masculine traits and roles, such as being the pursuer, paying for meals, etc. If you are in a relationship with or are interested in a guy where you have to do the heavy lifting, then that is the wrong guy. As I mentioned before, men were created to be the initiators, protectors, and providers. There are many men today who are passive, commitment-phobic, feminine, and/or lazy, but you shouldn't just settle for bare minimum. When you are with a man, like J, who is chivalrous and masculine, it allows you to embrace your femininity. It is so nice to be a woman. It's nice to have all doors (including your car door) opened for you, to walk on the inside of the sidewalk for your safety, and to be pursued and cherished. Each and every time I receive flowers, it feels like the first time. I'm just as excited and grateful!

I used to struggle with femininity because I was used to taking on more masculine traits, in both my work ethic and in my relationships. I was the pursuer and a perfectionist. Both of these just left me burnt out and heartbroken. Embracing biblical femininity has been very healing. I've let go of any walls I likely had up and embraced the traits that I thought I had to let go of or made me "weak", such as slowing down and showing warmth and affection.

Further, another way J is chivalrous is by honoring and pursuing purity. Ephesians 5:3-4 says: "But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints; Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks" (see also Psalm 119:9, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5). He is not ever crass in speech or action, and has always honored and guarded the physical boundaries put in place. J does not even put himself in slight line with temptation (Matthew 26:41). He's a man who takes purity seriously, so don't let anyone ever tell you that such men don't exist.

7. He has a servant heart

J has one of the kindest hearts to exist. He is constantly serving others, whether its loved ones or someone on the street. Galatians 5:13-14 says: "For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself" (see also Matthew 25:35-40). I've overheard him give his leftover food and to the homeless, while he put me on hold on the phone, and he has taken the time to have deep conversations with others and to share the Gospel with anyone and everyone. This is taking up the Great Commission in Matthew 28:18-20. I guess there's just something about J that leads others to just tell him personal details of their lives and trials they are going through, and J leads them toward the Lord.

8. He walks the walk and is firm in His convictions

I always tell J that his "filthy rags" are the most presentable before the Lord (in reference to Isaiah 64:6). Although J is not exempt from being a sinner, just as you and I are not, he is a man who truly seeks after the Lord and to walk in His precepts (Psalm 119:11, 2 Timothy 2:15, Proverbs 3:1-4). He fears the Lord and holds himself accountable to God. Psalm 111:10 says: "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments: his praise endureth for ever." He also isn't just a reader of the Word but a doer of the Word (James 1:22-25). Any sin in his life he addresses and tackles it, using the Lord as His strength (Proverbs 28:13, Acts 3:19, Luke 13:3, 1 John 1:9). He does all of this not from a legalistic place but from an attitude of love and honor of our holy God (Psalm 111:10, John 14:15-31). J lives out the command given in 1 Samuel 12:24: "Only fear the Lord, and serve him in truth with all your heart: for consider how great things he hath done for you." Just from meeting J, you would definitely know he is a Christian. It did not take long for me to notice the fruit that flows from J's life (John 15:1-27). His fruit reminds me of Colossians 1:10: "That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God." How blessed am I that I get to walk along side such a man for however long the Lord deems best! He has led me to a deeper relationship with the Lord and to be more vigilant in walking the walk and not just talking the talk. After all, "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17) and "Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise,

but the companion of fools will suffer harm" (Proverbs 13:20).

As I mentioned, J's foundation in life is the Word of God. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 tells us that "All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works." When it comes to today's hot topics, J takes a firm stand on whatever aligns with God's word. 1 Corinthians 15:58 says to: "be [ye] stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord." No matter the cost or even if he is standing alone, J stands firm in his convictions. He doesn't let the media or anyone he personally knows sway him away and lead him into something that would dishonor God. He is not a "friend of the world" (James 4:4). This is so essential to look for in a future husband because in this state of the world, you need a man who will not be a sheep and comply with whatever he is told and who will not go against his convictions out of ease. Instead, a man who is firm will lead your family through these trying times, turning to the Lord as His shepherd.

9. He is considerate

J is a decisive man who takes his time to think things through. He makes educated decisions in the sense that he will do research and will check his Bible before deciding. Proverbs 3:5-7 tells us to "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil." He is a man who prays and asks God for wisdom (James 1:5). J is also very logical and calm when it comes to emergencies, which is helpful when you are not (lol). When J doesn't have a full opinion on something, he will tell you that he is still researching it, which I like. Thinking long term, I feel comfortable standing behind and submitting to J's decisions because I know he would come from a place of having thought it through and of being considerate of my thoughts, our family, and most importantly, honoring God. Everything is reasoned and backed by Scripture. He lives out Psalm 119:105: "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path."

With that, it is important to marry a man who shares your core values, especially when it comes to parenting. Part of the reason I trust J to make decisions and can stand behind him is because we share the same core beliefs. You don't need to agree on everything because no two people will agree on every little thing. In the little things, I still understand where J comes from, and I respect his opinion. I have a deep level of respect for him in general. If you feel that you cannot stand behind a man's decision making and mission in life or if you feel that he will lead you into sin, then you should not marry him.

Even though a man may be considerate and be the best of men, this doesn't mean there won't be times he will error in decisions. Wives are called to submit in all things, except if her husband is leading her to sin (Ephesians 5:22-23). I'm sure there are going to be times when I might think my ideas or ways of doing things are better than J's and might even be right. I would never hold his error against him because we all make mistakes and it could be God's way of sanctifying him. J is a very wise man, yet I still hold space for when he inevitably makes a mistake. In the midst of making a decision, I know that J, like I'm sure many other men, just needs some space to work out his thoughts, and I am happy to pray for, support, and encourage him in that. Ultimately, I trust his judgment and that he's coming from an unselfish place and honoring God.

Further, J is considerate in the gifts he gives to his friends. For his friends' birthdays, I love listening to his thought process behind what he gifts them because he's so kind and thoughtful. Like I mentioned, J is naturally a provider and logical, so if he knows someone needs something, he meets that need. For our first Valentine's Day, he gifted me a sherpa blanket because he had remembered that I had mentioned that I was always cold and like to be warm and cozy. Then, during late spring, we were talking about skin care, and I mentioned how I want to get into it more but wouldn't know where to start and want to find all natural products. Months later, for my birthday, J did some research and gifted me all natural skin care.

10. He is quick to repent and to forgive

J and I have rarely had conflict, but we have had miscommunications before. J exhibits Colossians 3:12-14: "Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness." He is emotionally mature and knows how to regulate his emotions. Proverbs 16:32 discusses a man like this: "He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city" (see also Proverbs 14:29, 29:11; Ecclesiastes 7:9, In general, J is a very steady, consistent person. He's been the same person through out the course of our relationship, and he did not love bomb me at all.

Proverbs 22:24-25 warns not to marry angry man: "Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare." It takes a lot for J to get mad or upset. J's anger is a slow, calm one, and he does not yell or get out of control. He is like the man described in James 1:19-20: "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God." When J is upset, he is calm, controlled, and takes some time to think through what to say. There's a difference between someone icing you out and trying to think things through. He's not brash and does not let his emotions rule him but thinks before he speaks. This is like Colossians 3:8: "But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth."

Both of us are quick to admit when we're wrong. Jonathan is extremely humble, and will apologize if he's made a mistake. In the few miscommunications we've had, we've reconciled very quickly because our goal is to always see the best in each other and to always be in union and fellowship with one another. This goes along with Proverbs 19:11: "The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression." Healthy conflict is inevitable in every relationship since it consists of two sinners, but what makes the difference is when you both look at the conflict as the problem and not each other.

11. He is a true friend.

Song of Solomon 5:16 says: "This is my beloved, this is my friend." Universal advice that has existed across the ages is to marry your best friend. J is my very best friend. For more on this, check out this article I wrote. Besides always having the best time together, no matter what we are doing, and never running out of things to talk about, J fulfills the very definition of a friend. Just like Jonathan in Scripture, J is loyal. Proverbs 18:24 states: "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Loyalty is a large foundation of friendship, for without loyalty, there can be no trust. I know J is always in my corner, has my back, and would never allow anyone to slander me. This doesn't mean he won't tell me that I'm right when I'm wrong. A true friend will point out the sin in your life in a humble, loving way. This follows Galatians 6:1: "Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted." Friends tell each other those hard truths because it's better than living a hurtful lie. Proverbs 27:6-7 says: "Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. The full soul loatheth an honeycomb; but to the hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet." Also, I often turn to J for advice because he's very wise and I know that he will give me Biblical advice. This reminds me of Proverbs 27:9: "Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel." Anyone who has the privilege to be J's friend should consider himself blessed.

*Bonus: he is handsome

In addition to all of this, the cherry on top is how extremely handsome J is! When I agreed to be set up on a date, I had no idea what J looked like (besides the part of him being half Asian). On our first date, I arrived before he did, and was able to see him approach the front door of the book store cafe. When I saw him for the first time in person, I could not believe my eyes, and suddenly got butterflies in my stomach. He approached me and said my name to make sure it was me. When I looked up from the bookshelf, the sunlight was in his face, bringing out a honey color in his brown eyes. This man I had been texting and so far seemed to be so special and refreshing was also extremely handsome. Every time I see him still, it always still feels like the first time I saw him. I never get tired of seeing him.

Conclusion

When I was single, I used to study lists I found on Instagram on what was considered to be a red flag and a green flag. Perhaps, a part of me was even expecting to find some perfect man. However, no man is perfect. An imperfect man can still be a good, God-fearing man. At the core, that's what makes the difference: the relationship a man has with the Lord. How deep and serious is his Christianity? Does the man you're interested in make you a better Christian and love the Lord more? I personally love the woman and Christian I am since knowing J. Although making lists of traits is important to know what to look for, as cliche as it sounds, when you know, you know. The fruits of a godly man will not be hard to see. Nevertheless, whom you marry is the most important earthly decision you will make, If you're interested in a man, the best thing you can do is pray, wait, and deepen your own relationship with the Lord. I am and will forever be extremely thankful for J, who is a true gift from God.

By: Bible and Hot Cocoa (IG: @bibleandhotcocoa)

Juliana is the founder of Bible and Hot Cocoa. She is a sinner redeemed by Christ seeking to share the Gospel, to stand up for biblical truth, and to encourage other women to embrace biblical womanhood and to grow in biblical literacy. In her free time, she loves to utilize her creativity, to read classics and reformed theology books, to exercise, and to spend time with loved ones. Juliana's favorite book of the Bible would have to be a tie between Psalms and Proverbs (as of now), and her favorite biblical figure besides Jesus is Sarah (as of now).